What the F did I just do?

What the fuck did I just do?

As you may know two weeks ago I made the big move BACK to Vietnam. Thinking everything was going to be great, the same as it was over the summer. Well no, it wasn’t and it hasn’t been. Jumping off of an airplane Sunday night and teaching Monday morning with a 12-hour jetlag, was for starters, not one of my best ideas.  I have been basically in a state of feeling “high” that came from a mix of jet lag, adapting to a completely new environment plus an intense full time teaching schedule.

These past two weeks have literally filled me with lows, shock, and purely terrifying days that felt like weeks.  My own self has never felt these feelings of being so alone and physically trapped 9,000 miles away from home and anything comfortable. I was sinking, trapped, nothing to hold onto except for my sheets in a hotel room. Culture shocked again by this intense city of motorbikes where everyday feels like your life is on the fast forward snap chat filter. My head spinning with regret, searching for the next flight home, ready to call it quits, pack up and go home. I am in a current phase which I have been calling the  “What the fuck did I just do?” phase. Sold everything I owned, in too much debt to go back now. I ask myself “how did I leave all of these people and loved ones in my life? How was I not more appreciative for everything I had?” I sit here scared to even listen to my music as I am afraid it will remind me too much of times where I felt happy and safe. I remember almost fainting signing a 15-month contract with this school, as returning the next day might not have been happening. I had to stop the HR director having me sign documents, as I was not comprehending a single thing she was saying. Mid sentence, I grabbed her arm and just vented. She told me “You are out here for a reason, you came back for a reason.” She was right, but I am not even exaggerating when I say shelter is my current level on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I have nowhere to stay tonight as my free week at my hotel has ended and I can’t afford to stay there another night. I went to check into a hostel for a little bit to save some money and when I walked into it after another exhausting day of teaching and apartment searching, the hostel literally looked like a prison-- and I just lost it. I called a cab and had them take me back to the Ruby River Hotel. Sadly, that hotel became my comfort zone, the closet thing to a home for me and I needed to go back despite the money. 

This isn’t a blast. I’m not out here playing with monkeys and elephants as everyone imagines. I’m jumping into a new job/lifestyle/ culture. Finding my friend zone, a place to live, getting my work permit, having someone take blood from me who cant speak English..  The little things kill you here. Having to figure out how to get Microsoft outlook and Google out of being in Vietnamese, playing the charade game for communication. Everything I do here takes an extra amount of brain cells.. Everything is just so hard. The language barrier becomes so frustrating, testing your ultimate means of patience. Riding around on bikes is always a life or death situation.

However,

I rather be out here problem solving, and using those extra brain cells then living in a routine any day. Things now are astronomically better. I have a great group of friends here from my summer camp, whom have all gone out of their way to be there for me! I also have been going to meet-ups with the female expats group, a group of girls who have all been through this as well. Today, I finally found a place to live so I am no longer homeless.  My 4^th and 5^th grade students are amazing and have been a pleasure to teach! I am getting over this hump and starting to finally settling in and re-becoming a part of the madness in Vietnam. I did come back for a reason. It’s because I was born to be a part of this chaotic city. I’m cut for this and I love being surrounded by people who are all intense and cut out for this too. Everyone is so special here because they have all chosen to take their chances to experience living in a foreign country. It’s impossible to meet anyone boring out here. It’s truly fabulous and I am blessed to have this opportunity despite the discomforts and adversities.

NAMaste with me again! 

Everyone is on their own Journey

How do you go from feeling SO alive to SO dead all within days? People try to compare what I am going through to returning from a vacation. What they don’t understand, is that I was not on a vacation. I was living in a different reality, a reality I made for myself on the other side of the world. A reality where my brain was constantly on because it was going through so much change every second of every day. Sure, my pictures look amazing on social media, with beautiful beaches, temples, and elephants; but who puts up pictures of working, the pitfalls, the challenges, the tears and the scared and lonely times? Vietnam was filled with both; significant greatness and significant adversities. It was that rollercoaster that I loved. I loved the feeling of being dirty from the pollution and sweat, having helmet hair, crossing the street being one single struggle of life or death, never having time to scroll through Facebook or Snapchat, waking up not knowing where I was, not being able to process everything that happened in just a single day, that when your body finally passes out from pure exhaustion you start jolting in your sleep because your body is finally having its first chance to catch up with your brain. THAT is feeling alive!  THAT IS VIETNAM!!!  Just one day filled with counter events happening around your 360 radius at all times, keeping you on, aware, and alert constantly. Routine never becomes a part of you as each day is always filled with new events every thirty seconds. I wasn’t on a vacation and my time abroad was not what is painted all over Instagram and Facebook, just as anyone’s life. Coming to Vietnam alone, and having no choice but to gain as much as possible out of my experience, living and succeeding here quickly turned into my reality. A reality that despite extreme challenges that a third world country throws at you, a reality that was mine, that made me feel SO alive all the time! I keep using this word, “reality” as I am trying to define what it really means to others. Since I have returned to the States I can not tell you how many people have said to me: “Katie, it’s time to get back to reality.”  I decided to look up “reality” in the dictionary to dig further into this word.

"Reality; noun. The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them."

What do people really mean when they say this to me? My life in Vietnam was real, I wasn't making up some idealistic world and I sure as hell was not on a vacation. So, why does everyone keep telling me to get back to reality?

So, to answer your question; Yes! It is time for me to get back to reality. Vietnam is my reality and a state of actual existence. Last week, after nights and weeks of restless decision making, I decided to make the bold move and resign from my Speech Therapy job in Philadelphia, a place where I have worked for the past six years. I want my roller coaster ride of highs and lows and my brainwaves to be turned back on. Vietnam is a country filled of constant chaos just like me. I made exponential growth during my three- month journey in South East Asia, and there is still so much more opportunity out there for me to continue growing. I am not ready for that growth and progress to stop. I want more. I feel more Asia and I won't stop until I'm done. 

Everyone is on their own journey. There isn't one way to live or one way to do things. I have been criticized many times for my recent decision to resign from my job to work abroad. I've got "You're out of control," "You're running away from your problems," "How are you going to do this without any money?" and even, "you sound like you're on drugs, you should really see someone." To be fair, from another's perspective I probably do sound like I'm on drugs. I get high every time I talk about or think about Asia. I was high and ON everyday for three months and it never went away for a single moment. I was high off of life, culture, my everyday surroundings, the extreme highs and lows, the remarkable friendships and bonds that I made, and my passion for teaching and traveling. Teaching English abroad and traveling is the reality that I want for myself right now, in this moment. Routine is easy and since I've returned my brain has just been off. My daily routine of living and working, I can do all without thinking. I know exactly how to get myself to work, I know where I am going to put my things down when I enter my room, sign in, turn on my light, open my computer, the list can go on and on. I'm not thinking, I'm just physically going with the routine that my brain already knows how to do for me. 

I love change and I love a challenge. The Philadelphia School District was not an easy job initially. Working in a very urban environment, where my students faced so much neglect and instability was a very difficult task. This place made me strong and confident to have the ability to teach anywhere now. I will forever be grateful for that. However, my brain and body is ready for something new. My decision to leave has upset a lot of my family members. However, leaving for Vietnam is not a death sentence. It is just my new journey to lend the way for even more future opportunities. I can't say this enough; Everyone is on their own journey. This may not be the way one goes about finding change in life, but it is mine. There are so many secret doors in life to be opened, but it's up to you to find them by taking your chances. Words of advice: Do what you love, thrive from desire, and seize the day as you only get one life!

The reality is yours. Namaste with me my friends.