What the fuck did I just do?
As you may know two weeks ago I made the big move BACK to
Vietnam. Thinking everything was going to be great, the same as it was over the
summer. Well no, it wasn’t and it hasn’t been. Jumping off of an airplane
Sunday night and teaching Monday morning with a 12-hour jetlag, was for
starters, not one of my best ideas. I have been basically
in a state of feeling “high” that came from a mix of jet lag, adapting to a
completely new environment plus an intense full time teaching schedule.
These past two weeks have literally filled me with lows, shock,
and purely terrifying days that felt like weeks. My own self has never felt these feelings of
being so alone and physically trapped 9,000 miles away from home and anything
comfortable. I was sinking, trapped, nothing to hold onto except for my sheets
in a hotel room. Culture shocked again by this intense city of motorbikes where
everyday feels like your life is on the fast forward snap chat filter. My head
spinning with regret, searching for the next flight home, ready to call it
quits, pack up and go home. I am in a current phase which I have been calling
the “What the fuck did I just do?” phase.
Sold everything I owned, in too much debt to go back now. I ask myself “how did
I leave all of these people and loved ones in my life? How was I not more
appreciative for everything I had?” I sit here scared to even listen to my
music as I am afraid it will remind me too much of times where I felt happy and
safe. I remember almost fainting signing a 15-month contract with this school,
as returning the next day might not have been happening. I had to stop the HR director
having me sign documents, as I was not comprehending a single thing she was
saying. Mid sentence, I grabbed her arm and just vented. She told me “You are
out here for a reason, you came back for a reason.” She was right, but I am not
even exaggerating when I say shelter is my current level on Maslow’s hierarchy
of needs. I have nowhere to stay tonight as my free week at my hotel has ended
and I can’t afford to stay there another night. I went to check into a hostel
for a little bit to save some money and when I walked into it after another
exhausting day of teaching and apartment searching, the hostel literally looked
like a prison-- and I just lost it. I called a cab and had them take me back to
the Ruby River Hotel. Sadly, that hotel became my comfort zone, the closet
thing to a home for me and I needed to go back despite the money.
This isn’t a blast. I’m not out here playing with monkeys
and elephants as everyone imagines. I’m jumping into a new job/lifestyle/
culture. Finding my friend zone, a place to live, getting my work permit,
having someone take blood from me who cant speak English.. The little things kill you here. Having to
figure out how to get Microsoft outlook and Google out of being in Vietnamese,
playing the charade game for communication. Everything I do here takes an extra
amount of brain cells.. Everything is just so hard. The language barrier
becomes so frustrating, testing your ultimate means of patience. Riding around
on bikes is always a life or death situation.
However,
I rather be out here problem solving, and using those extra
brain cells then living in a routine any day. Things now are astronomically
better. I have a great group of friends here from my summer camp, whom have all
gone out of their way to be there for me! I also have been going to meet-ups
with the female expats group, a group of girls who have all been through this
as well. Today, I finally found a place to live so I am no longer
homeless. My 4th and 5th
grade students are amazing and have been a pleasure to teach! I am getting over
this hump and starting to finally settling in and re-becoming a part of the
madness in Vietnam. I did come back for a reason. It’s because I was born to be
a part of this chaotic city. I’m cut for this and I love being surrounded by
people who are all intense and cut out for this too. Everyone is so special
here because they have all chosen to take their chances to experience living in
a foreign country. It’s impossible to meet anyone boring out here. It’s truly
fabulous and I am blessed to have this opportunity despite the discomforts and
adversities.
NAMaste with me again!
